I do not believe in god. Sometimes I wish I did. If you asked me what I believed in, I would find it really hard to find an answer. It would be too easy to say “nothing”, because that would contradict so many things that I want to believe. I know that I don’t believe in one final end to our lives. All that we are apart from our bodies, all that had to come from somewhere, and it has to go back there eventually. But then there is evoution, and it is hard to wrap my head around the idea that at some point, whatever it is that we are just came upon us, that one day or year or century, we developed what we might call a soul. And that thought scares me, because if something hasn’t been there always, it won’t be there forever. And I kind of need it to be there forever.

Ever since I was a small child, I was scared of a death that turns into nothingness. Of not being, not knowing, not thinking. I may have been a strange child, because I do actually remember being no older than five years old when it started. I have developed coping mechanisms, but they only help while I am alive in my body.

I guess in the end, it doesn’t really matter what you believe, but it would be nice to believe something. There is no proof for these things, and maybe there will never be. But I need to know now that life isn’t just hard and then you die.

I’m moving in about two weeks and I’m starting to get really excited. I am so through with my current place. I cannot wait until I get the keys, that will be fabulous. I’m going from being really happy that I get to decorate a whole house to being anxious, because it’s so much bigger than my apartment, and hoping that I will not still sit in an undecorated house in three months because I got tired of working on it. I know I can’t have it perfect after just a couple of days, but I do have visions, and I want to try to realize them.

Like my office/library/guest room. I really want an Expedit shelf from Ikea, I have sort of fallen in love with them. I want it in white, but my desk is black, so I’m not sure if I should go with black instead. I want to colour-code all my books, which is something I’ve seen online and it just looks so great. I think that’s one of the main things I’m looking forward to, having all my books with me again. Right now, my place is way too small, and they are still in my parents’ basement. I can’t even really remember what books I have, and it will be so exciting finding out.

I also want to do something special with the bathroom. It has quite a strange shape, sort of long and not very wide. And it also basically consists of three different rooms. Bathtub, sink, and washer are in the first one, then there’s another sink in another little room which leads to a third little room with the toilet. I know I can do something fun with it, I just don’t know what exactly yet. I should browse flickr! for some ideas.

And then there is the largest room, the livingroom. I have some ideas, but I’m not sure they are appropriate for a room into which I might invite guests. Then again, it’s my house, and I should be comfortable in it. The room itself is quite bright, but I would like to add some dark elements to it.

I wish it was already two weeks from now.

Current obsession: Browsing deviantart.com for desktop wallpapers.

Problem: Not having 37 computers to use them all.

I just finished watching Secretary, and I’m glad I didn’t turn it off after the first three minutes like I was about to. Not that I didn’t like the beginning, I just found it incredibly triggering. I didn’t mind the cutting or the beating that came later, you could say something like that doesn’t trigger me anymore, it was something else that I can’t really put my finger on. Maybe the subtle happiness of her actions while being in restraints.

I am also a fan of Lesley Ann Warren, so I was delighted to see her in this movie, although she usually gets stuck playing bimbos or women that married men have affairs with. This one was only slightly better. But good to see her anyway.

For some reason, I had always thought that a different actor was playing the boss, not James Spader. I wish I could remember the guy’s name, but I can’t. He’s possibly named James, too, and I have his picture in my head, but the name escapes me, and everything he was in. Which doesn’t exactly make sense, but it’s the way it is.

As a whole, the movie left me feeling sort of at peace with the world, and sort of nostalgic.

I know it sounds silly, but I’ve worked on the tweets in the sidebar for probably about two hours already, and it still doesn’t look right. Silly tweets.

I do think that I need to get some sleep now though. I have the weekend ahead of me to work on all this some more. I’m quite motivated, unlike with other websites I’ve had.

And soon, real blog posts will happen, not just pathetic little update posts that serve the purpose of showing me what the whole thing looks like rather than actually being interesting. Or not interesting, but at least different.

So I have spent most of my afternoon and evening today registering, uploading, and designing my new website. This is the first WP theme I have ever created by myself, and I am quite proud of it. I used Eruanna.net’s tutorial, and it was really easy as pie. You should check it out of you’re planning to look into making your own themes.

I am also using Wordpress 2.5, which I am quite fond of so far. If I do keep my other sites, I will upgrade them. But I wanted a new start, and this is it, so maybe I will just close the others. Or use them for something else.

And now I have to go and work on getting this baby validated.

So today has been good. Really good, actually. My mood has improved massively, and since this is the first post ever on this blog, whoever might read it will not know why I was in a bad mood, but let’s just say that I sometimes don’t have a way with myself. Eh.

Now I’m sitting here with my 24 Smirnoff Ices (no kidding!), which I will quite possibly not all drink tonight, because that would be silly, but a couple will be fine. I’m watching some German cop show, my dog is sleeping on the floor, and I just got a job interview for next week, for a job I really, really want. I’m content.

Work at my current job was okay today as well, because I was working by myself and got to listen to country music and Amy Winehouse and sing along and I wasn’t bored to death like I usually am.

Fuck me with a chainsaw, I’ve been so productive today, I might even deserve some sleep later. Amazing stuff.